I fell for it again.  I thought that by now I would be stronger, but apparently I wasn’t.  I mean, I’ve been prayed over, I’ve fasted, I’ve done everything short of putting on sackcloth and ashes, but there are still times I give in to my addiction.  Even though I knew in my head that it was all a lie, my heart apparently had not yet gotten the memo.  As hard as I tried to resist, I was sucked in like a ball of lint into the mouth of a toddler.

I must confess - I fell for another Seven Steps book.

“Come on, Eric,” my head said, as I saw the book in the CBD catalog.  “You know it’s not that simple.”  But my heart had already been captured by the promise of mastering the complex world of ministry in only Seven Steps.  Seven Steps was nothing.  It’s my bed to the bathtub.  The kitchen table to the fridge.  The garage to the front door.  Anybody could walk seven steps.  But before my head could object, my hands were reaching for the phone, impulsively dialing 1-800-CHRISTIAN, ready to catapult myself into the realm of the super-pastor.
 “Yes, hello.  I’d like to order The Seven Practices of Effective Ministry, by Andy Stanley, Rick Joiner, and Lane Jones.”
 “The Seven Practices of Effective Ministry – that will be $13.99, sir.”
 “Excellent.”
 “Yes it is, sir.  Would you like to hear our specials today?”
 “Sure… why not.”
 “Okay… we have The Seven Steps for Turning Dreams into Reality by Tommy Barnett for $11.99… The Six Steps to Emotional Freedom by David Clarke for $7.99… we also have The Five Steps to Financial Freedom by James Wise for $14.99 and Five Steps to Knowing God’s Will by Bill Bright for $3.99.”
“I’ll take them all.”
“Excellent, sir.  Are you married?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Well, then, we also have a special today on The Three Steps to a Healthy Family by Linda & Richard Eyre for $12.99.”
“Stick it in my bag, ma’am.”
“Is there anything else I can do for you today sir?”
“Let’s see – I’ve been struggling with how much food I eat lately.  Do you have anything for that?”
“Yes sir – we have Seven Steps to Healthy Eating by Paul Reisser for $4.99.”
 “Awesome.  By the time I make it to the fridge, my cravings should be gone.”
 “Excuse me, sir?”
 “Never mind… thanks – this is great.”
 “We just need to take one more step together, sir – can I have your credit card info?”

It may take a month or two to make it through these books, but I’m telling you – by the time I finish them, I should be invincible.  Not only will I be an effective pastor who knows God’s will and is seeing his dreams realizing, but I’ll be emotionally healthy, financially secure, leading a healthy family, and eating  broccoli for breakfast.  By that time I should be ready to start my next book – Seven Steps to World Domination.

Okay, I confess… I didn’t really order any of the aforementioned books.  Yet.  But as I peruse the books on the shelves in my office, I can see that I have more than my share of books that have promised to change my life, usually in Seven Steps.  Just for fun, I went on the Christian Book Distributors website and looked up all books with Seven Steps in their title.  It’s pretty uncanny how many things can be accomplished in only seven steps.  Just look at the list some time – you can turn around your life, turn your dreams into reality, achieve outer and inner beauty, live at your full potential, avoid a financial crisis, cultivate a healthy marriage, receive the Holy Spirit (who knew it took that many steps?), eat healthy, improve your pitching technique (what is this doing in here???), judge prophecy, revitalize the small town church, find a job, preach biblically, unclutter your life, and stop a heart attack – all in Seven Steps.

I’m telling you, Seven Steps to World Domination is just around the corner.

There’s a problem with the Seven Step Movement, however.  It’s not that the content is untrue, or that it hasn’t succeeded in changing people’s lives.  It’s not that the authors are lying or that the publishers are playing on your weaknesses.

The problem with the Seven Step Movement is the Six Step Movement.

Because if you keep looking through the CBD website, you’re going to find that in only Six Steps, you can do things like master being a Mom, rekindle your romance after the baby comes, find emotional freedom, clarify your calling, and unleash God’s revival power in your life.

It’s like the scene in There’s Something about Mary where Ben Stiller’s character picks up a hitchhiker played by the amazing Harlan Williams.  In case you haven’t seen the scene, I’m reproducing the dialogue for you in its entirety:

HITCHHIKER: A salesman — that’s what I am. I mean, I’m gonna be anyway. I’m starting my own company — video sales — just as soon as I get enough seed money.
TED: ‘That right? Good for you.
HITCHHIKER: Yeah, you wouldn’t believe my idea — it’s a home run. You ever hear of Eight-Minute Abs?
TED: The exercise tape? Sure, I’ve seen it on TV.
HITCHHIKER: Two million copies it sold last year. Two million, man. But not next year–my idea’s gonna blow them outta the water. Get this: (dramatic pause) Seven-Minute Abs.
TED: (pauses) I see where you’re going.
HITCHHIKER: (big smile) Think about it. You walk into a video store and you see Eight-Minute Abs and right next to it you see Seven-Minute Abs–which one you gonna spring for?
TED: I’d go with the seven.
HITCHHIKER: Bingo. Especially since we guarantee you’ll get every bit as good a work-out.
TED: How do you guarantee that?
HITCHHIKER: Well it’s the company motto: ‘If you ain’t happy we’ll send you the extra minute.’
TED: Huh. That sounds great. (pause) Unless someone else comes out with Six-Minute Abs.

Life is complicated.  Marriage is complicated.  So is ministry, raising kids, achieving your financial goals, and finding emotional freedom.  Following God and knowing His will is certainly more complicated than improving your pitching technique.  So maybe you can empathize with my addiction.  There is something so commanding, so inspiring, about the title The Seven Practices of Effective Ministry.  It communicates “I have gone through the struggles and have figured out how to be an effective pastor, and you will be spared the trouble if you only pay $13.99 for the pleasure of reading my book.”

But what I’ve found after years of reading books like these is that while there are always wonderful insights to be found, it is never a quick fix.  Life is complicated, and ministry in Atlanta, where Andy Stanley ministers, is certainly different than ministry in Glastonbury.  And I’m sure the Eyre’s family, healthy as it may be after only Three Steps (very impressive) is certainly different than mine. 
 Certainly I understand that the reason for these book titles is more marketing than anything else.  Seven Steps books sell because, like I said, it’s like walking from my garage to the front door – anyone can do it.  But the danger of these books is that it has the potential to rob God of His mystery.  Think about Joseph writing his Five Steps to Realizing your Full Potential:

1. Wear a fancy coat
2. Get sold to nomads by your brothers
3. Become a servant in a foreign land
4. Get thrown into prison for a crime you didn’t commit
5. Interpret dreams for important people in said foreign land   

Or what about Moses’ Three Steps to Encountering God?

1. Tend some sheep
2. Look for bushes that are on fire
3. Take off your sandals

There’s a mystery to how God works, to why some amazing families have kids who make disastrous decisions while some completely dysfunctional families produce the godliest men and women.  There’s a mystery to why some people’s wildest dreams come true while others, who have dedicated their whole lives to God, don’t realize theirs (Moses and the Promised Land, anyone?).  And there’s certainly a mystery to why God has continued to use me in ministry, despite numerous reasons He had to give up on me.  And I wouldn’t dare cheapen it or insult anyone else’s intelligence by trying to condense such a rich mystery into seven steps.

Some day, perhaps, I’ll write a book.  If I do, I’ve already decided what I’m going to name it, no matter what the publishers say.  It may not be as catchy as Seven Steps to becoming a SuperPastor, but I think it will accurately sum up what I have to offer this world.  And maybe by the time my book comes out the cynicism over how-to Christianity and packaged spiritual growth will have peaked, so that my title will have a ring of honesty and humility to it.

I think I’m going to call it Thoughts about Stuff, by Eric Stillman.  Catchy, isn’t it?
 

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