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We’ve been going through the book of Proverbs this summer, looking at what it means to live wisely. There are many contrasts in Proverbs between the way of the wise person and the way of the fool, and the way of the righteous person with the way of the wicked. One topic that comes up more than any other is the subject of words – how a wise and righteous person speaks and communicates. We’ve already touched on the subject of words as we’ve looked at other topics this summer, like friendship, anger, and pride, but this morning we’re going to really look at what Proverbs has to say about using wise and righteous communication.

As we begin, let us remember what the book of Hebrews says about God’s Word, the Bible:

Hebrews 4:12-13 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. ¹³ Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

More than anything I could say, what we really need is to hear what God has to say about wise and righteous communication. And so, I would like to begin by listening to about 25 passages from Proverbs that discuss communication, so that God’s Word might uncover and lay bare what is in our hearts:

Proverbs 4:20-24 My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. ²¹ Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; ²² for they are life to those who find them and health to a man's whole body. ²³ Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. ²⁴ Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.

Proverbs 10:11 The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked.

Proverbs 10:18-19 He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool. ¹⁹ When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Proverbs 10:20-21 The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value. ²¹ The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.

Proverbs 10:31-32 The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut out. ³² The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse.

Proverbs 11:12-13 A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue. ¹³ A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.

Proverbs 12:13-14 An evil man is trapped by his sinful talk, but a righteous man escapes trouble. ¹⁴ From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him.

Proverbs 12:17-18 A truthful witness gives honest testimony, but a false witness tells lies. ¹⁸ Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 15:1-2 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.

Proverbs 15:4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

Proverbs 15:22-23 Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. ²³ A man finds joy in giving an apt reply-- and how good is a timely word!

Proverbs 16:23-24 A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones

Proverbs 16:28 A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

Proverbs 17:9 He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

Proverbs 17:27-28 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. ²⁸ Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

Proverbs 18:2 ² A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions

Proverbs 18:6-8 A fool's lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating. ⁷ A fool's mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul. ⁸ The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts.

Proverbs 18:13 He who answers before listening-- that is his folly and his shame.

Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 19:20 Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.

Proverbs 24:26 An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

Proverbs 25:11 A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

Proverbs 25:15 Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.

Proverbs 26:28 A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.

Words are a powerful thing, and so this morning I want to talk about the power of words, the kind of words we are encouraged to speak according to Proverbs, and how to deal with the hurt that is caused by words.

Power of words

One of the verses that stands out the most is this one:

Proverbs 18:21 - The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

The tongue has the power of life. Our words can bring encouragement and understanding to people; there is great power in affirming someone, in speaking to someone the gifts and talents you see in them, in encouraging them and thanking them. A wise word can also save someone from sin and from death. Remember Romans 10:14-15 - How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? ¹⁵ And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" Notice what Paul says – how can anyone be saved unless someone preaches the gospel to them? Our words have the power to bring life. If nothing else, find someone you can encourage by your words, or save from death by your words.

But the tongue also has the power of death.

Proverbs 12:18 - Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

The damage that can be done by words is like the damage from a sword, causing wounds that may heal but will leave scars. The tongue has the power of death – harsh and hurtful words can lead to suicide, murder, war, and all kinds of conflict. And hurtful words and labels, spoken by parents or adults, can cause all kinds of psychological trauma in children that does not go away. Some of you have been called things that have taken a lifetime to try to get over – you’ve been called ugly, or no good, or a loser, a failure. You’ve been rejected, beat up, broken down, and cast aside. And those labels have stuck with you and shaped who you are and the relationships you have.

And of course, poorly chosen words can destroy community through gossip, lies, and slander.

Proverbs 16:28 - A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

There are people here who are dying because of words that have been spoken to them. There are people here who have been wounded as if they were pierced with a sword, and have not recovered. The tongue has the power of life and death.

Because of how important it is, it’s not surprising that the Book of Proverbs teaches us over and over what wise and righteous speech looks like. Let me share five themes I see in Proverbs about what wise and righteous speech looks like. And as we read, keep in mind James 3:1-6:

James 3:1-6 Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. ² We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. ³ When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. ⁴ Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. ⁵ Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶ The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

James says that if you don’t sin in what you say, you are perfect. None of us is perfect, and we all have a lot to learn about how to communicate in ways that are wise and righteous. So let us turn to God’s Word and learn from the Book of Proverbs about what wise and righteous speech is:

1) Truthful, not lying or flattering

Proverbs 15:4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

Proverbs 24:26 An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

Proverbs 26:28 A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.

Proverbs 10:18-19 He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.

Speak honestly, do not lie and do not flatter. Notice also that the last one says that he who conceals his hatred has lying lips. Stuffing down our feelings and not getting them out in the open is just like lying or flattering. Honest speech will often include speaking difficult things to someone. If there is hatred, it needs to be discussed.

Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

Speak the truth in love – that is how we grow into maturity

2) Gentle and kind, not harsh

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 25:15 Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.

Speaking gently, not harshly. Prov 25:15 is so interesting – patience and gentleness can persuade a ruler and break a bone. To break a bone is to break down the most hardest resistance a person may possess. It doesn’t come from harsh or violent words, but from gentle ones. With harsh speech, you are more likely to bring about defensiveness or anger in return, and not to really penetrate to someone’s heart. Speak gently and you will win a hearing.

3) With restraint, not impulsive

Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise

Proverbs 17:27-28 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. ²⁸ Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

Be careful with your words. The more you speak, the more you will sin. Silence is not the goal, but wise speech is restrained and careful in the words that are chosen.

4) Apt, not one-size-fits-all

Proverbs 15:23 A man finds joy in giving an apt reply-- and how good is a timely word!

Proverbs 25:11 A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

There is a right time and a right way to speak to every individual, and a wise person learns this and adapts his conversation to suit the hearer. You speak to women differently than you speak to men. You speak differently to children than to adults. Some people come from families used to direct speech; others talk around issues. Some people appreciate levity and need affirmation; others just want to hear it straight. Don’t assume that everyone speaks and hears like you do. Learn about the other person and speak aptly, in a way that they will hear. And speak things at the right time. Sometimes you need to speak in the moment; other times it may be best to let things calm down, to think on something for a little while, or even overnight.

5) To the appropriate people, not gossip

Proverbs 16:28 A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

Proverbs 17:9 He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

Speak to the offended person and do not repeat the matter to others who do not need to hear. Remember Matthew 18:

Matthew 18:15-17 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. ¹⁶ But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' ¹⁷ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

So much trouble would be taken care of if we only approached the person who offended us instead of telling everyone else.

Remember that we are not perfect. We hurt others; others hurt us, and then out of that hurt we hurt more people. We need to be healed, to be able to break the cycle and bring life through our words.

We know that our words come from what is in our heart.

Proverbs 16:23 A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.

Matthew 12:33-34 "Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. ³⁴ You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

Your heart speaks out of what is in it. Where there is a need for repentance or healing, confess to the Lord and to those who have hurt you.

I think that we hurt people because we do not believe who God is, nor do we really believe who we are in God’s sight. We do not believe that God is the judge, that He alone has the perspective and the right to sort out who is at fault and who deserves judgment and who deserves to be justified. We do not believe that God will judge, and so we take judgment on ourselves in how we communicate.

Secondly, we do not really believe what God has said about who we are in Jesus, and so we are affected deeply by what people call us, label us, and say about us. And then, out of that hurt, we hurt others. You need a Word from God on who you are. Remember that God is in the re-naming business; over and over he renames people who they really are in Him – Saul becomes Paul, Simon is Peter, Abram is Abraham, Sarai is Sarah, and Jacob is Israel.

In Revelation, there is a great passage about how God will give a new name to the ones who overcome.

Revelation 2:17 ¹⁷ He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it.

When you are in Christ, he names you and gives you an identity that is not based in what people say about you, but in who you are in the sight of God – beautiful, his masterpiece, his beloved child, his love.

Matthew 25:21 "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

As you come to know who you are in God, that in Christ you are a new creation, the harsh words and labels that have been spoken over you can be replaced, little by little, with the truth of who you really are in Him. Get to know Him, believe the gospel, and allow God to pour out His love on you until you are transformed. And then, when you have received His Word, His truth, go out and speak words of life and healing to those around you – words that are truthful, gentle, with restraint, apt, and to the appropriate people.