James says that if you don’t sin in what you say, you are perfect. None of us is perfect, and we all have a lot to learn about how to communicate in ways that are wise and righteous. So let us turn to God’s Word and learn from the Book of Proverbs about what wise and righteous speech is:

1) Truthful, not lying or flattering

Proverbs 15:4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

Proverbs 24:26 An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

Proverbs 26:28 A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.

Proverbs 10:18-19 He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.

Speak honestly, do not lie and do not flatter. Notice also that the last one says that he who conceals his hatred has lying lips. Stuffing down our feelings and not getting them out in the open is just like lying or flattering. Honest speech will often include speaking difficult things to someone. If there is hatred, it needs to be discussed.

Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

Speak the truth in love – that is how we grow into maturity

2) Gentle and kind, not harsh

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 25:15 Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.

Speaking gently, not harshly. Prov 25:15 is so interesting – patience and gentleness can persuade a ruler and break a bone. To break a bone is to break down the most hardest resistance a person may possess. It doesn’t come from harsh or violent words, but from gentle ones. With harsh speech, you are more likely to bring about defensiveness or anger in return, and not to really penetrate to someone’s heart. Speak gently and you will win a hearing.

3) With restraint, not impulsive

Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise

Proverbs 17:27-28 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. ²⁸ Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

Be careful with your words. The more you speak, the more you will sin. Silence is not the goal, but wise speech is restrained and careful in the words that are chosen.

4) Apt, not one-size-fits-all

Proverbs 15:23 A man finds joy in giving an apt reply-- and how good is a timely word!

Proverbs 25:11 A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

There is a right time and a right way to speak to every individual, and a wise person learns this and adapts his conversation to suit the hearer. You speak to women differently than you speak to men. You speak differently to children than to adults. Some people come from families used to direct speech; others talk around issues. Some people appreciate levity and need affirmation; others just want to hear it straight. Don’t assume that everyone speaks and hears like you do. Learn about the other person and speak aptly, in a way that they will hear. And speak things at the right time. Sometimes you need to speak in the moment; other times it may be best to let things calm down, to think on something for a little while, or even overnight.

5) To the appropriate people, not gossip

Proverbs 16:28 A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

Proverbs 17:9 He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

Speak to the offended person and do not repeat the matter to others who do not need to hear. Remember Matthew 18:

Matthew 18:15-17 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. ¹⁶ But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' ¹⁷ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

So much trouble would be taken care of if we only approached the person who offended us instead of telling everyone else.